I’ve never felt more desperate in my life and that’s a terrible feeling to be trapped in but it feels like every waking hour I am desperate and scared. I have really bad abdominal pain that’s interrupting every aspect of my life and no doctor can tell me what’s causing it. It’s been 5 months at least now. It’s hard to keep up with how long it’s been. Dozens of doctor visits. At least 7 trips to the ER with none of them getting me any closer to figuring out what is causing this pain.

I have a spiritual advisor who is telling me the most important thing to do is to stop being afraid. What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of dying. You can’t die. I know I can’t die I’m immortal but I’m afraid of who I think I am dying because people care about me here. How do I get past that? We are immortal souls. All of us. These experiences are a blink-of-an-eye to an immortal soul. I know this but I can’t experience it because this demonic antipsychotic I am on is blocking me from it. She told me I have to get off it. That there’s nothing that’s impossible for my higher self. And I know she’s right but the last time I stopped taking this drug suddenly I wanted to throw myself of an interstate overpass. So I’m terrified. I hope she teaches me to stop being terrified. I absolutely must figure out how to.

If any of you wonderful siblings of mine on here have any kind of advice or even are kind enough to offer emotional support, it would be eternally appreciated. The poem:

Ben, you have to remain positive.

No matter how you feel.

You’re not in any danger.

I know the pain is real.

You must convince yourself that there’s not

Anything wrong at all.

If you do not do these things,

You might not survive at all.