I’ve shed so many tears entirely alone. Well, not really, right? God’s there. I’m never alone. But crying by yourself can feel incredibly isolating. It’s a hopeless sort of cry I’m referring to. Crying for Joy is among the greatest feelings known to man. Akin to crying because of gratitude. I just want someone to empathize enough about what I am going through to actually help me.

I can’t find joy anymore in anything. Most of the things I once did that brought me joy (record and release music, painting) I can’t even do anymore. I never feel like doing anything that strenuous. I am serious that I only ever feel like writing poetry. That’s why it’s how I fill most days. I can’t enjoy listening to music. I keep finding new albums and artists I want to check out and just bookmarking them in my “Music” folder. I don’t know when I’ll feel good enough to listen to them.

The worst possible thought anyone could possibly have is that they don’t want to exist anymore. That’s not the same thing as being suicidal. You can prefer that you didn’t exist but still endure.

I wake up every single morning wishing with everything in me I did not. Do that for 9 months.

It’s an entirely new trauma.

My life has been constant trauma.

I realize, like Lane Staley sang

My pain is self-chosen.

But I can’t for the life of me to figure out how to choose in my own best-interest.

Please pray for me.