But I am learning to make myself happy, without needing to make other people happy. That might sound weird if you’re not like this but the only method I’ve had in the past for doing that was dopamine hits. And making someone happy is sort of a dopamine hit, but it’s a healthier one than the others I have always reached for: alcohol, nicotine, THC, caffeine. You name it.

It’s a lesson I was forced to learn and maybe that’s just how it works and this little diatribe won’t actually help anyone but me. But perhaps it will and it least it helps me to “verbalise” all of these thoughts.

I have to be okay with my baseline. That’s what I have to learn to do. And it’s made more difficult right now because my baseline is nerve pain. But we will get through it. Every day I get better. I’ll give you an example of what I am dealing with. I just ate a spoonful of honey to get some glucose in my system before I take Taurine. It spiked my pain. I wasn’t hurting 5 minutes ago and now I am. I changed nothing else and I’m familiar enough with this condition (induced by long-term antipsychotic use) to know that it is what spiked my symptoms. But it ramps down on its own without doing anything to “fix” it. For months I was adding things during these spikes that made them worse.

I get all my medicine from nature now. I can’t believe taking theirs could do this to a person, but now I understand what chemotherapy and radiation are doing to people.

What I am dealing with is not surprising. The Medical Industry does NOT have your best interests at heart and neither does anyone willingly working for them.