I don’t know what I’d do without my poetry. I shudder to think. I am so desperate and emotional right now and I feel like part of me is surrendering to feeling lousy every day as soon as I wake up and fighting to feel relatively better than that the rest of the day. It’s an absolute nightmare and the medical industry is not equipped to deal with this I’ve learned. I’ve been to every ER in Nashville, the one closest to me 3 times, over the past 9 months. I’ve stopped going to the ER when I experience episodes where it gets bad because they never do anything. They refuse to do any examinations other than blood work/urinalisis/MRI. My mom has insisted I go this route to get better and I have now for 9 months and in a great many ways I’m much worse now than I was 9 months ago. There were things I was able to do early on that I no longer have the will to do. I have been out of my apartment complex once in the past several months. I can’t tell you how long it’s been, because when you’re in pain every day the days just sort of run together. I’m not even sure it’s been exactly 9 months. I can’t tell you when this started. I could probably look at my ER bill though and figure out the first time I went to the ER about it.

When you feel like I feel, it seems inconceivable anyone can be expected to live this way. Pain medicine doesn’t help. It might ease the pain briefly but I think taking more meds is counter-productive. I have tired kratom and it does help too some, but why in the world am I in a position where the only thing I can do is treat the symptoms and I can’t even get a SINGLE diagnosis from ANY doctor as to what in the world is going on?

The GI doctor I was seeing in Nashville is no longer with the company I was told. He had me taking this antidepressant he promised me was going to address my abdominal pain. It hasn’t. He started me on 25 mg and ramped me up to 75. I’ve been at 75 for over a month. Absolutely no difference in the pain I am expereincing. I told my mom I was going to stop taking it because I read today I am going to have to taper off of this freaking mess! She got mad at me when I told her that. I told her I have spent 9 months looking for someone else to tell me what to do to get out of this situation I am in and absolutely no one has been able to help. I’m going to make my own decisions. I know what is in my best interest. She didn’t like to hear that but what in the world am I supposed to do? I know these prescriptions are poison! I was weaning myself off of all of them when I started developing these symptoms.

I know this is personal and gushing and sounds an awful lot like complaining and maybe it is. I try not to complain. That doesn’t help either.

These doctors for the most part, are not trained to create health. They are trained to keep you unhealthy and fund the existence of this ridiculously demonic system they call a “Medical System.”

I was going to post a poem with this but it no longer seems appropriate.